he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
