Just fell off a train. Bad.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
