Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
