He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
