M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
