Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
