I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
