Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
