Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
