You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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