seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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