He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
