I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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