I accidentally had phone sex last night
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
