My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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