sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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