Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
