how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
