On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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