Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just want to make out with him forever
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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