I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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