Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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