Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
