I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
