My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
