I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the liver wants what the liver wants
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
