4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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