I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
