Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this boner is exhausting
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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