You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
