I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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