my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
