I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
