Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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