you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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