Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
