he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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