I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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