we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize