She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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