I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize