If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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