When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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