i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
