Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
