I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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