it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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