1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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