I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The air taste purple.
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