Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
