if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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