Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
