Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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