I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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