haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
