Swine flu. Run for my life!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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